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The Texas
Constitution deems that "the Legislature shall meet every
two years at such time as may be provided by law and at other times
when convened by the Governor," which lately has been every other
week. This coming spring is one such time when our noble legislators
will pull themselves away from their businesses, their communities and
their local bars.
Unfortunately with school finance issues, the budget, insurance,
malpractice, college tuition and other distractions, they sometimes
lose track of the real issues. Big companies, such as Farmers
Insurance, can pay lots of money for lobbyists that will "talk" with
the state representatives and perform some sort of green magic, making
legislation appear.
Take state Rep. Joe Nixon, R-Houston, for example. He received a
$300,000 mold settlement on his house from Farmers Insurance. A former
Farmers official claimed that favoritism was part of the deal.
Oh yeah, and Nixon happened to have a hand in tort reform.
This is, of course, all just one big coincidence - one that most of
us do not have the kind of money or influence to make happen.
But, if my time working two stories underneath the Capitol taught me
anything, it was that you can park at some garages for two-hours
without paying. If it taught me anything else, its that you could also
do some effective lobbying on a much smaller budget. So below I will
enlighten you to three of the better laid plans I've come across.
Scare 'em
One of the more effective and certainly more noticeable lobbying
groups is the Biker's Rights group, led by tough hombres with mohawks,
leather jackets, missing fingers and names like Sputnik.
This group roars into Austin like it's Sturgis, and when they tell a
representative that they're "Litigious to the Bone," you better
believe people listen.
It also doesn't hurt that many of these bikers are lawyers and other
professionals. So the first rule of lobbying on the cheap is if you
can't give 'em green, turn 'em white.
Mom 'em
Another group utilizing alternative lobbying techniques is Mothers
Against Drunk Driving. Their cause - ridding the world of drunk
drivers - is truly a noble one.
Their tactic when going to the offices of our elected representatives
is usually pretty simple. They show people in the office a picture of
a person (often a child) and explain that this person is their son or
daughter. Then they proceed to explain that this person was killed X
years ago by a drunk driver.
This is an extreme example of the second rule - which is one thing all
legislators have in common on either side of the aisle - they've all
got mommas, and there is no one harder to say no to than a momma. This
is especially true if momma has been wronged.
Feed 'em
Our hard-working civil servants only get paid $600 per month. If you
consider how many hours they work, that amounts to less than minimum
wage (in a state where minimum wage is pitifully low).
How do they ever eat?
State Rep. Mike "Tuffy" Hamilton, a freshman Republican from Orange,
had an ingenious solution to move weight like someone with three times
his experience and sway.
He baked.
Back home he was a restaurateur and so he'd assemble delicious pies,
of all kinds for his peers. I once found myself on the receiving end
of one of his pecan pies, and I must say it went quicker than Tom
Craddick's credibility.
This brings us to the third rule of cheap lobbying: They say the way
to a man's heart is through his stomach, and since a great many of our
wise leaders legislate with their stomach instead of their heart, you
don't have to worry about anything being lost on the trip. |